Parenthood – the good the bad and the ugly

Life has a natural progression for many of us. We search for the one. We join our lives and set out on a path of ultimate happiness. The wedding fills us with deep anticipation for where our lives will lead.

We dream of having children. They will complete us. They will give us a sense of overwhelming accomplishment. It’s our destiny.

Well, I’m here to tell you that this path is not for everyone. There are many things you can’t possibly fathom before you embark on this journey of parenthood.

You look at all the Johnson and Johnson ads, the huggies mums with big, knowing smiles. Their perfect white teeth, immaculately groomed hair, their flawless houses. Ha!

Pregnancy is different for everyone. For me, it was hell on earth.
The moment I looked down on that positive pregnancy test, I could not have been happier. This was what I had been waiting for. This was going to fulfil me completely.

By 6 weeks the morning sickness kicked in. I vomited for 10 weeks straight. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t even sit up and watch TV. I couldn’t even think about meat, let alone prepare a meal. After the morning sickness eased a little I started to get severe back pain. I had massages every second week to help with the pain.

The best thing for me about my pregnancy was feeling my baby kick. I loved it. She used to get the hiccups all the time too. It was adorable. I couldn’t wait to meet my beautiful daughter.

I’ll skip past the birth. As you can imagine, it hurts. Ha-ha. For me, it wasn’t too bad as far as labour stories go and for that I am grateful. I was thankfully able to get through without taking any pain relief. It’s amazing what the female body can endure. We really are amazing fellas

Seeing your baby for the first time is amazing. You made that little person. Before I had my daughter I was told that I would experience this amazing euphoric wave wash over me upon first laying my eyes on her.
That is not the case for everyone and that’s ok. I really just wanted to have a shower and be comfortable. They also tell you that you need to breastfeed straight away.
Polly wasn’t interested. In fact breastfeeding for me was a nightmare. It took a good three weeks before it started to get some sort of rhythm. The sleep deprivation you experience with a new born baby, no one can prepare you for. You think you know what you’re in for? You don’t. I sure as hell didn’t.

You have a million hormones running around, your body is wrecked from giving birth and you have been handed a tiny, perfect human being that you are painfully aware that you are 100% responsible for keeping alive. They rely on you for every need. You do what you have to, to keep them alive. Your needs are not first anymore. Perhaps they never will be again.

You will soon find out how you can actually survive with hardly any sleep. I mean, the most sleep I ever got in a row was 1 hour and 20 minutes. I used to dream of what it would be like to get a full 3 hour sleep.

I cried. A lot. I cried because I was tired, I cried the first time I drove to the chemist without her, I cried because I was worried she wasn’t getting enough milk, she wasn’t putting on enough weight, I cried because I felt pressure to perform a certain way. After all I was born to do this wasn’t I? This was totally natural to women. No one else complains about it publically so there must be something specifically wrong with me!
Actually, I was doing an amazing job. I was nurturing this perfect baby girl that I love more than I ever thought humanly possible. She was mine. I was doing great. I was learning the true meaning of sacrifice.

As the time goes on, the breastfeeding got easier, I would slowly get slightly more sleep, she was growing into such an amazing baby girl more and more as each day passed.

Then the mourning period hits you. You mourn your old life. You realise your life is now not your own. You are not first anymore. Any time you want to go anyway it requires careful planning. You can’t have that spontaneous weekend away with your husband you use to once enjoy. You can barely do your hair or shower in peace. That was a luxury. It’s amazing what you take for granted.

Of course it’s all worth it right? Well, I tell you this. I would not send my girl back for anything. She brings me so much joy. She makes me laugh. She has my whole heart.

This is the harsh truth people don’t talk about.

I miss my freedom
I miss feeling independent
I miss those spontaneous trips
I miss going to the movies with my husband
I miss the relationship I had with my husband before having a child
I miss sleeping in and staying up late
I miss being able to play my piano
I miss being able to be around people and just sitting down and relaxing

But I love

Hearing my baby girl giggle
Holding her hand
Giving her a million kisses
Reading to her
Playing with her
Talking to my husband about what things she has done that day that we love
I love thinking about all the things I am going to show her
All the places I am going to get to take her
She is my Joy. My Polly Joy.

Depression, Suicide, Robin Williams and what we can do about it...

When I was 17 years old, a friend of mine took his own life. It knocked me, deeply confusing me. I had been with him the night before. He was telling me of things he was looking forward to in the future. He seemed fine to me. He was the one who was always making us laugh. He left no note. No explanation. It was very difficult to come to terms with. It makes me really sad now thinking about how it is over 10 years on and the problems that he had then, whatever they may have been would of most likely been a distant memory. I do not know if it was a spur of the moment thing, or if he had depression and had been hurting deeply for quite some time. Masking it with his beautiful way of making everyone around him feel good. Back then I didn’t really understand depression at all. I remember driving around after the funeral with a couple of friends and talking about the feeling of wanting to kill yourself. When I said I had never experienced this feeling, I was met with shocked and disbelieving responses. I had experienced difficult times in my life, deep sadness and the feeling of being lost. But I had never considered taking my own life. Now, nearly 12 years on and I have a better understanding of depression and I have experienced the feeling of not wanting to be alive anymore. I now know what it is like to want to kill myself, to end it all. I believe there are different types of depression. Clinical/chemical depression and circumstantial depression. Both are real and have massive effect over your emotions, the way you live life, see yourself, the future and others. Something I didn’t know is that if you are depressed and it goes on too long it can affect the chemicals in your brain that are responsible for stabilising your emotions, your happiness etc. This is why it is important to seek treatment if you are feeling down for too long. Feeling as though you can’t get happy about anything, despair in every situation, you can’t look forward to anything, you are tired all the time, you don’t see a point or a purpose. Treatment may include medication or it may be exercise more, do something to ensure you laugh (they have workshops in laughter. Yes, it’s true), see a Counsellor, Psychologist, Psychiatrist, or just talk to someone you trust. There are lots of things you can try. You have to consciously be proactive in pulling yourself out of the depths of this pit that can drown you if you let it. Many people have been saddened at the passing of actor Robin Williams. It is a huge loss that has clearly impacted an enormous amount of people around the world. Annie asks “If this world is cruel enough that a soul as beautiful and uplifting as Robin Williams can’t survive in it, what are we, as a human race doing wrong?” This question has so many facets for me and I could really just write about it all day. There are a lot of extremely worrying and saddening things happening in the world at the moment and the feeling of despair for my fellow humans is greatly weighing on my heart also. Robin Williams did great things. He made us laugh. He lifted up our spirits when we were children, when we were teenagers and when we were adults. He will continue to do so with the legacy that he has left behind. Suicide is a very personal decision. A decision that is the result of a battle within ones mind. One that the people that they leave behind often struggle to understand. What’s important to remember is that everyone is fighting their own demons. In a way that is very real to them. This is why I believe it is important to always be as kind as you can be. Don’t judge. That’s not our job. In my experience it seems to be the ones who carry the most laughter are sometimes carrying the most pain also. I believe in God and he says in the Bible that he will never give us anything that is greater than us. Too much for us to deal with. Too big a burden. This is something I try to keep in mind and it certainly isn’t easy. It is difficult when you look at what is going on in the world. But having something to believe in, to hold on to and to trust in is a great comfort to me. It gives me faith that there is definitely good in mankind. We are capable of kindness, of love, of compassion. There is hope for us. There is hope for me and there is hope for you. We can only be responsible for our action and how we treat people. Be understanding, be kind, and know that you are not alone in your despair or in your struggles. It’s what makes us human. We need to stick together and love one another. Love is the greatest gift of all. The greatest slayer of evil. The strongest, most powerful emotion in the world. So use it, trust it and believe in it.

A drop in the ocean about Oppression of Women in the Middle East

As a young, white, Christian woman, living well submerged in Western culture, I can only comment on what I have seen and learnt on this issue. I am well aware that in Australia we live in a sheltered society, wrapped in cotton wool compared to the way a large portion of the rest of the world live, especially in the Middle East. I think the first thing to say is that when discussing such issues we must be extremely careful not to generalise when it comes to race, religion or a particular culture. I believe generalisation is just as bad as racism and that is never going to do anyone any good. It is no secret that the Middle East is predominately a Muslim society. Islam, like Christianity has many different sects. These would come from different interpretations of the Koran. Now, not all women in these countries are oppressed, or hard done by. Many of them live happy, fulfilling lives. Their lives are devoted to their families and their faith. Probably the most disturbing part of the ‘oppression factor’ is Honour Killings. These are still carried out fairly regularly. The United Nations estimates 5000 per year, but many believe it is closer to 20, 000 per year. These honour killings are the majority of the time carried out on women by a male member/s of their family. The reasoning may be, the woman is seeking divorce (even if it is in an abusive relationship), committing adultery, being involved in a sexual relationship (this includes rape), not agreeing to an arranged marriage of the family’s choice or basically any way that makes the male members of the family feel that the woman has brought shame and dishonour onto their family. These killings can sometimes be stoning to death a woman and dragging her body around the streets. A couple of years ago I watched a youtube clip of a woman who had been out on a date with a man that was not a member of the same religion. She had not had any sexual relations with the man. Her uncle went into her house and dragged her out onto the street where there was a group of at least 20 men standing around her. They threw big slabs of stone onto her time and time again as she tried to get up but kept falling to the ground. Her blood spilled onto the street. Amongst these men were police men. They were filming on their phone and watching. Finally the girl died from this stoning. They then proceeded to tie her lifeless body to the back of a truck and drag it around the streets. Perhaps as a symbol to provoke fear into others of what could happen to them if they dare defy their families/religion. It is the most sickening and horrifying this I have ever watched. The worst thing is, this kind of thing does still happen. Now be careful not to believe that these honour killings only occur within the Muslim culture, because that is not true. It is also not confined to the Middle East. But these kinds of behaviours seem to be more acceptable in this area. It is the women who live in communities like these, which still believe in this way of life that my heart aches for. This is true oppression by fear. How can women expect to break out of these cultures and societies when they are faced with not only complete disownment from their families, but a humiliating death by one of their closest family members? There is no doubt that Religion is the driving force behind such oppressive behaviours and part of the problem is that there is not a separation of religion from state. This needs to happen to allow change. There are so many things to say on this topic and I have not even begun to brush the surface of it. It is an issue that I feel extremely strongly about. I have much to learn on the issue and will continue to educate myself in this area. I think I will need to do a follow up blog soon to delve a bit deeper. Until then…

It's been a while...

I look at that picture, of you
Of how I used to be
All the memories of how I used to feel back then
They came flooding back to me
My reality 100 thousand miles from where I am today
Bent and twisted in ways I can’t even begin to explain
We laughed, we cried, we stayed that way a while
I was addicted to what I got from you
The first way I knew how to need anything so much that I couldn’t survive without it
It took a long time before the sun set on you and I
My world was plunged into darkness and I had to learn how to use my other senses
But eventually after the sun rose again, I learnt to see again.
It’s been a while, since I remembered you…

A trip down memory lane

You know what I am talking about. You look at old photos, letters, emails, sms's or the like. It may paint a warm and fuzzy picture of what life used to be. It might remind you of something bad that you repressed. More often then not, I think we romantisize things in the past, because we can no longer see the full picture. We can no longer remember all the feelings we had, both good and bad.
It's nice to look fondly back on things, but I think it's important to not fall into the trap of 'things used to be better' We are where we are in our lives now for a reason. And we shouldn't be going backward, we should be going forward. The person that we used to be was a little bit younger, and a lot less wise (we hope) than we are now.
I am a different person now than I was 5 years ago at 21. I learnt a lot of lesson's between the ages of 18 and 23. It's crazy the ammount of growing up we do. I would like to say I think I am wise now, but the truth is, I always think I am wise, and I sure as hell wasn't 10 years ago and I'm sure in another 10 years time, I won't think I was wise at 26. It's all apart of the journey we embark on.

Follow me

Follow me here, into the meadow of our rememberance. I feel your light, it’s leading me. To the place where I feel at home, again. It’s been so long, since I have felt your arms around me. Reminding me of the very essence of my being.
Even though the rain has washed over me many times since I last saw you, I can still smell you on my skin. Your eyes stare at me from across the oceans, leaving my soul bare.
Your strength keeps me from giving up, from giving in. It is for you I live. For you I would lay down my life. I forgive and love in your name.

It's Friday night. Here we are...

We all exist in this place, only space divides us. The river flows and the ocean’s roar, leaving me wondering what it all means. You my brother, are just like me. We were created, we have a purpose, and we will die.
Life is made up of random moments, of beauty and circumstance.
You were sitting there staring back at me, questioning everything that you knew about me. That’s the thing about me. I am often lost in this whirlwind of uncertainty that makes me who I am. Just when you think you have me figured out, you realise that you are only just at the beginning.
I am not afraid to be myself and all that goes with that. There is so much beauty in all the random things of this world. You just have to be willing to look for them. You have to be true to yourself or you will live with regret. Regret is a funny thing. It’s kind of a useless emotion. Unless we can use it to make us better people.

You have a crooked smile that try’s with every ounce of your being to hide who you are underneath it all. You are strong, in a way that has long been lost in this world. Your eyes share a story without you even having to open your mouth.
You are awkward in the best kind of way. A way that show’s your innocence and strength.
You are beautiful. You are really something else.
I have watched from afar as you partake on this journey called life. You are a story in itself. You are amazing personified. You have an inner light that shines like the brightest kind of light I have ever seen.
I have a memory of a feeling that I used to have in my earlier days. I felt lost and found all at the same time. I used to look at the world with the eyes of innocence and mischief all wrapped together. You never really lose that part of yourself. As we get older we are always just a slightly different version of ourselves. I think that it is important to recognise this. Sometimes we lose sight of the path that we were meant to be on. But that is really just all part of the journey. Mistakes, risk’s, chances, fate, it’s really all just what draws the map that is our life. Sometimes it seems as though the only person that truly knows us is ourselves. We are the ones that are constantly alone with our thoughts. Some are good, some are unspeakable. Change is also really important for growth. I like the saying, if nothing changes, nothing changes.
I have felt at times in my life that I don’t like the person that I am, but for the most part, I don’t mind my own company. I like to think I have a lot of depth. I am a layered person. And that is ok. I am mostly happy with who I am.
We have to wade through the lies and the truth, the misconceptions, the alternate realities, the opportunities and the choices that we are faced with day to day. Our lives aren’t written in stone, they are up to us and us alone.
Dreams are important, but it is even more important to decipher which dreams to follow and which ones are best left alone…