Parenthood – the good the bad and the ugly

Life has a natural progression for many of us. We search for the one. We join our lives and set out on a path of ultimate happiness. The wedding fills us with deep anticipation for where our lives will lead.

We dream of having children. They will complete us. They will give us a sense of overwhelming accomplishment. It’s our destiny.

Well, I’m here to tell you that this path is not for everyone. There are many things you can’t possibly fathom before you embark on this journey of parenthood.

You look at all the Johnson and Johnson ads, the huggies mums with big, knowing smiles. Their perfect white teeth, immaculately groomed hair, their flawless houses. Ha!

Pregnancy is different for everyone. For me, it was hell on earth.
The moment I looked down on that positive pregnancy test, I could not have been happier. This was what I had been waiting for. This was going to fulfil me completely.

By 6 weeks the morning sickness kicked in. I vomited for 10 weeks straight. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t even sit up and watch TV. I couldn’t even think about meat, let alone prepare a meal. After the morning sickness eased a little I started to get severe back pain. I had massages every second week to help with the pain.

The best thing for me about my pregnancy was feeling my baby kick. I loved it. She used to get the hiccups all the time too. It was adorable. I couldn’t wait to meet my beautiful daughter.

I’ll skip past the birth. As you can imagine, it hurts. Ha-ha. For me, it wasn’t too bad as far as labour stories go and for that I am grateful. I was thankfully able to get through without taking any pain relief. It’s amazing what the female body can endure. We really are amazing fellas

Seeing your baby for the first time is amazing. You made that little person. Before I had my daughter I was told that I would experience this amazing euphoric wave wash over me upon first laying my eyes on her.
That is not the case for everyone and that’s ok. I really just wanted to have a shower and be comfortable. They also tell you that you need to breastfeed straight away.
Polly wasn’t interested. In fact breastfeeding for me was a nightmare. It took a good three weeks before it started to get some sort of rhythm. The sleep deprivation you experience with a new born baby, no one can prepare you for. You think you know what you’re in for? You don’t. I sure as hell didn’t.

You have a million hormones running around, your body is wrecked from giving birth and you have been handed a tiny, perfect human being that you are painfully aware that you are 100% responsible for keeping alive. They rely on you for every need. You do what you have to, to keep them alive. Your needs are not first anymore. Perhaps they never will be again.

You will soon find out how you can actually survive with hardly any sleep. I mean, the most sleep I ever got in a row was 1 hour and 20 minutes. I used to dream of what it would be like to get a full 3 hour sleep.

I cried. A lot. I cried because I was tired, I cried the first time I drove to the chemist without her, I cried because I was worried she wasn’t getting enough milk, she wasn’t putting on enough weight, I cried because I felt pressure to perform a certain way. After all I was born to do this wasn’t I? This was totally natural to women. No one else complains about it publically so there must be something specifically wrong with me!
Actually, I was doing an amazing job. I was nurturing this perfect baby girl that I love more than I ever thought humanly possible. She was mine. I was doing great. I was learning the true meaning of sacrifice.

As the time goes on, the breastfeeding got easier, I would slowly get slightly more sleep, she was growing into such an amazing baby girl more and more as each day passed.

Then the mourning period hits you. You mourn your old life. You realise your life is now not your own. You are not first anymore. Any time you want to go anyway it requires careful planning. You can’t have that spontaneous weekend away with your husband you use to once enjoy. You can barely do your hair or shower in peace. That was a luxury. It’s amazing what you take for granted.

Of course it’s all worth it right? Well, I tell you this. I would not send my girl back for anything. She brings me so much joy. She makes me laugh. She has my whole heart.

This is the harsh truth people don’t talk about.

I miss my freedom
I miss feeling independent
I miss those spontaneous trips
I miss going to the movies with my husband
I miss the relationship I had with my husband before having a child
I miss sleeping in and staying up late
I miss being able to play my piano
I miss being able to be around people and just sitting down and relaxing

But I love

Hearing my baby girl giggle
Holding her hand
Giving her a million kisses
Reading to her
Playing with her
Talking to my husband about what things she has done that day that we love
I love thinking about all the things I am going to show her
All the places I am going to get to take her
She is my Joy. My Polly Joy.